Forever finding representations.Posted: January 11, 2013
Part of me hates my english teacher in high school, everything in my life now has to have some sort of stupid meaning or relevance behind it. Back in school we were studying shawshank redemption, and for example, a scene in the jail grounds, there was a small amount of grass on the ground, apparently this meant that they were friends and everything was going to be okay. Whatever. Anyway over the last few days i’ve been in Belguim, I didn’t really plan it out that well, just saw my days off for the week and booked a ticket. That’s neither here nor there. I luckily stayed in Bruges, I say lucky because there, it is pretty much impossible to get lost, I managed too though.
After a while I grew used to having no idea what anyone was saying or having any idea of where I actualy was. I walked the streets for hours, just looking at things and stoping by something pretty to have a smoke. It made me think, like a lot of things tend to, well go into one of those daydreamy trance things.
What if, in life, you could never find yourself until you were lost, completely. Like, if you are hapy, how do you know you are actually happy unless you have been unhappy? Can you be completely happy without moments of sadness? Ying and yang. What if you were already half lost and you didn’t realise it so you had no way to loose yourself of find yourself? Better yet, how the fuck are you meant to find yourself? What does that even mean? I dint even know. At the begining of my trip I was scared, I was alone, which isn’t bad but I felt so much like an alien. (Also, nearly everyone there understands english anyway so it wasn’t a big deal, they just don’t speak that as their first choice & its weird going up to someone speaking Dutch or French and speaking English to them.)
Walking the streets aline at night in a different country was really nice, and well, weird. Your mind just completey transforms into something else, but of course, only if you let it. (Its like those daydreams that you think in, where your life feels like a movie and you’re looking at your body from someone else view, and your thoughts are the voice over, sort of.) Well my mind does but to be honest half the time I can’t even tell if i’m daydraming of not, forever in the clouds or off with the fairies,
Once you start to embrass lonliness you will be lonely no more. Be comfortable with yourself and you wont need anyone else. Split your mind into two and have conversations with yourself… Just think, you’ll never loose an argument again! I joke.
Im not saying throw all your friends out the window now, just be at inner peace with yourself or someshit. Don’t make yourself the enemy and things will seem a lot brighter.
Alright there is my deep thoughts for the week, adios.
P.s. I wrote this on the train back from Belguim, I had no money for a cab so I had to walk back from the station around 11pm, so of course it was dark. The light I used to see only let me see two steps ahead of me, totally nearly tripped a few times as well. Kepping in mind this is like walking on muddy grass, its not a footpath! This reprisents my life… never looking so far ahead, just going. Haha.