I have nothing to live for but life itself.Posted: January 3, 2013
I’ve spent the vast majority of the day watching memorial videos for youths that have passed on youtube. This triggered because last night I realised that in 12 days it will mark two years of me loosing someone that I was super close to. For hours I watched these photos of these kids, it was mesmerising. Its a weird feeling realising that I haven’t even been alive for 2 decades, yet I outlived so many others already.
Knowing so many of them cut their own lives short is heartbreaking, and knowing some of them have had their own lives snatched away from them makes me so sad. In a way I feel happy, knowing I have cheated death another day. I feel a sense of pressure knowing that I have seen the light of another day and they haven’t, I feel as if I need to be making the most of every second. I’m just not sure how I am meant to do that.
When you think about it, being 19 still makes me young, but 19 years is along time. I feel like I haven’t accomplished enough in my time. My days are slipping by and I’m worried that I am not going to live as much as I can. I feel as if I want to live for the lives that have all be cut short, and live for myself as well.
Its weird when you think about how different the courses of life people are given and the courses they choose for themselves. I have some friends still studying or trying to find a career to work in for the rest of their days, some have already found a career, some friends have kids, some just get fucked up daily on different substances. I’m not sure what I’m doing, I feel as if I am just floating by, no direction, no purpose, I have nothing to live for but life itself.
It’s all different, it’s all okay, as long as everyone is happy. I am not unhappy, I am not happy either. I want to travel and meet people, I want to affect people, I want the world to know my name but I dont want to be famous.
Sometimes I’m worried my thoughts wont make sense to anyone but myself, thanks for sticking around.
-For Danielle, who has changed my life in more than one way. My love for you still remains as strong as it ever did, rest in peace. ❤