I have nothing to live for but life itself.

ImageI’ve spent the vast majority of the day watching memorial videos for youths that have passed on youtube. This triggered because last night I realised that in 12 days it will mark two years of me loosing someone that I was super close to. For hours I watched these photos of these kids, it was mesmerising. Its a weird feeling realising that I haven’t even been alive for 2 decades, yet I outlived so many others already. 

Knowing so many of them cut their own lives short is heartbreaking, and knowing some of them have had their own lives snatched away from them makes me so sad. In a way I feel happy, knowing I have cheated death another day. I feel a sense of pressure knowing that I have seen the light of another day and they haven’t, I feel as if I need to be making the most of every second. I’m just not sure how I am meant to do that.

When you think about it, being 19 still makes me young, but 19 years is along time. I feel like I haven’t accomplished enough in my time. My days are slipping by and I’m worried that I am not going to live as much as I can. I feel as if I want to live for the lives that have all be cut short, and live for myself as well.

Its weird when you think about how different the courses of life people are given and the courses they choose for themselves. I have some friends still studying or trying to find a career to work in for the rest of their days, some have already found a career, some friends have kids, some just get fucked up daily on different substances. I’m not sure what I’m doing, I feel as if I am just floating by, no direction, no purpose, I have nothing to live for but life itself.

It’s all different, it’s all okay, as long as everyone is happy. I am not unhappy, I am not happy either. I want to travel and meet people, I want to affect people, I want the world to know my name but I dont want to be famous.

Sometimes I’m worried my thoughts wont make sense to anyone but myself, thanks for sticking around.

-For Danielle, who has changed my life in more than one way. My love for you still remains as strong as it ever did, rest in peace. ❤

2 Comments on “I have nothing to live for but life itself.”

  1. I have nothing to live for but life itself.
    No, your words don’t make sense for yourself only.

    You have no idea how true that is sometimes. Life has no meaning so many times that the only reason that you are still alive is that because you cannot just die.
    I’d probably do this if I had enough guts, before I grow old and tired of myself. Have not found that strength yet. Neither the one to stand up and continue walking. So what remains is to waste time waiting. Or rather let time waste us.
    This just shouldn’t be like this. Something is wrong with this picture, I know it is but I never know what.

  2. SJ says:

    Another beautiful piece of writing Lyss.

    The answer to the question of what is the meaning of life has been asked ever since humans managed to put together rational thought and the answer has been just as elusive or just as obvious, just as easy or just as hard as its always been – its just inner peace and contentment.

    It gets difficult because often in life we get sidetracked and too absorbed with trying to make sense with what life brings along that is not in our control and more often than not, when we look back on it, is not that important anyway … but its always there, we just have to work our way through the fog and the rubbish to get to it.

    It’s always sad to know that some people who could have added to the world are not around while knowing there are others still here who don’t deserve another breath but it’s how it is and whether its God’s plan or just a random act of chance or whatever is not for us to know or perhaps even understand … just know that you being who you are, someone who is thoughtful, insightful with a genuine desire to do good in this life means you are adding to the lives of those who know you and to those you will meet even if they do not acknowledge it or even realise it.

    So you are not floating by in life without meaning and without purpose … you are very, very important to a lot of people !!

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